5 April 2004 anniversaries of the afterlife

well, i had an unexpected brush with death. Tried to drive with a nail in my tire on the freeway and it exploded before I could get to the tire center! I crashed into the center of the freeway at 50 mph, said hello to the airbags and caught my breath. Amazingly enough, I wobbled across 4 lanes and no one hit me! else I surely wouldn't be typing this blog right now, or perhaps I would be typing it with a machine I control with my mouth or some Steven Hawkings shit. I was able to walk out of this accident entirely unhurt which is extremely lucky because I have no sort of health insurance that would allow me to escape from any injury accident without a $5000+ bill. Phew. DOUBLE Phew on that one. Instead, I find out my Integra (see the Rice Rocket calendar to see what it used to look like) is only worth $4500, and that is what I get to buy a new used Pathfinder (a new member of the SUV revolution!). That day I get a tarot reading on Telegraph Ave to try to ponder why I was spared without even a broken bone in my 4th auto accident in 12 years. The Tarot Man is telling me that I am getting all these romantic love cards and this is the year for love love love. And I am skeptical. Maybe they just tell you what you want to hear. My friend Ken is with me as my witness. the Tarot man says that the reading is good for one year in the past and one year in the future, which covers his ass pretty good. Well, I KNOW that the last year hasn't pulled any real love cards. Half assed relationsihps here and there but mostly people freaking out on me, scared of commitment and relationships, more pathetic one night stands... I wait, smoking my bong like the comfort of a mother's nipple.. I wait for you my love.

but outside that department, things are looking up! Even though I still weigh in at exactly the SAME FIFTEEN POUNDS OVERWEIGHT as the photos below even after working out the gym for about a month, things are looking up. I did a month of acupuncture to recover for my accident and I've finally found some time to get acquainted with my new used car. I'm going to need a car because in September I will be moving to LA to start a Teaching Credential/Master's of Education program at UCLA! This was the best news ever. I believe that UCLA is one of the best teacher ed programs for the kind of anti-oppression work that I want to to do. I am pursuing a track to be a high school English and Art teacher. UCLA was the only grad school that I applied to this year that accepted me, aside from Cal State Hayward. I was ecstatic when I found out. Finally a grad school accepts me! (I've applied to 7 total, 2 years in a row). I've also wanted to try living in LA for a while now too. I don't need an MFA to be an artist! Or, perhaps I'll end up getting one after I finish this program. LA is bigger and faster and faker and smoggier for sure. I'm so excited!

I've just returned from Minneapolis again. I got this wonderful paid opportunity to visit the University of Minnesota with my famous sex worker activist friend Carol Leigh/Scarlot Harlot. I also got to visit the friends that I made in my last trip as well as meet new ones. Minneapolis is a very cool town. Too bad it is so cold most of the time. This is the town that Prince grew up in. I taught a class on the Politics of Stripping for their Women's Studies Dept and then we performed the next night. Carol Leigh is one of the most instrumental women in my reinventing/re-empoewring my stripper persona. It is so great to not hate myself anymore in the way that I used to. I swear, my haircut was like a birthing of a new person or something. Strange but true. If you asked me before, I would have gladly told you how oppressed I was, how I trapped I felt, how I felt like I was condemned to suck THE MAN's dick for the rest of my life. Ahh, but now it's all better. It's amazing what a free haircut and a long string of shitty jobs that are way worse than stripping will do for your outlook! I'm going to strip while I'm in school no doubt, how else am I supposed to go to school and LIVE? I simply cannot take out a loan for tuition and living expenses. It feels great to not beat myself up over this idea, but to rather be excited about it. I have the ability and the option to make enough to survive while only working 15 hours a week. Plus I will be on a college campus where I can teach a class on various feminist topics AND recruit for new dancers! Hey, I should be at the next fucking COLLEGE CAREER FAIR!! What a great idea! I've used the performance art/tabling at a craft fair set up many, many times. In fact, I told Kristina Wong that we MUST recruit for our Asian sorority KeroKeroPi this Fall.

I've found a new calling in my strippin: to own a progressive feminist stripping agency! It's still a work in progress and I'm not sure what I'm going to do now that I'm moving so I'll save that update for the next blog. Instead of seperating my teaching and stripping talents, I've been experimenting a lot more with combining the two. If you come to my show at the Intersection for the Arts at the end of this month (April 29,30, May 1st) My performance will show you "How to be a Safe, Sane and Prosperous Outcall Sex worker" performed as part of the How to series of performances that are also programmed with mine. It sounds like a hilarious line up. I want to put out a manual on safety tips, incorporating all my experiences with the labor commision and the strip clubs. I finished my hearing with The New Century theatre and now I just wait for the labor commision's decision. I think that they will rule in my favor. But this doesn't mean that they cannot appeal this decision and so the battle can wage on for longer than the 15 months it has already been.

I am planning to take the Pathfinder on a cross country road trip across the U.S. I'm planning to strip to finnance it, but also to perform as an artist and perhaps speak at some colleges along the way. I'm planning to go through LA, Texas, New Orleans, and end up in Florida and back. For my 28th birthday I will be performing in Saskatoon, Canada. This is an opportunity that was booked after my article in BITCH magazine.  

18 february 2004

whoah! that's not a 6 pack i'm wearing folks. It's pure 15 lbs of FAT! Fried Calamari and sitting around working on this website way too much...I stepped on the scale and was totally disgusted with myself. Let this be a record of my goal to lose 15 lbs as soon as is humanly possible. I haven't been to the gym in 4 years because I was really happy with my body and the way that I looked. I always said that if I looked at myself and saw myself getting fat I would do something about it. This photoshoot alone was the TRUTH TELLER. I thought my dad was just being his normal self when he was making fun of my gut during Christmas. I've grown up with my sisters constantly calling me fat, so I dont' really pay attention to them anymore but JESUS, MOTHER OF GOD!! Good thing I can work magic with the Photoshop and shave off those extra pounds with the eraser tool, otherwise I'd be in trouble. So I signed on to the gym, joined the masses. Running 3 miles once a week isn't enough for my fat ass I guess. the photographer was like, your not FAT, your THICK. FAT, Thick, Whatever. it's disgusting. I'm working on it starting TODAY!

February 20- O man. It's getting to me. I'm trying to stay strong. I was at Borders today and all these STUPID ass Carb Free, Atkins and weight loss books are staring at me. Then I go look at magazines and see all the fashion mags talk about flat abs and all of that. Is this what fat people feel like all the time? I can't believe it...I haven't ever had to worry about this bullshit. I've always eaten whatever I wanted and never worried about what other people thought. I was at the grocery store looking at weight loss pills! I think I'm going crazy. I'm starting to think that when I was a stripper full time and partying and dancing till dawn that was the best "diet" I was on. Okay. I'm going to stop. I hate sounding like a typical female, but it's depressing. I hate telling people because all they say, "oh, you're not fat, you look great." Thank God, I'm not chubbing out in the face. Just the abs. Abs of Flabs. But hey, while I was in Borders I saw a cute filipino boy with dreadlocks who worked as the cashier. I paid for my soy latte and lifted up my t-shirt and started to squeeze my rolls. "I need your opinion,"I said,"Do you like rolls?" Just kidding. I didn't do that. But he was cute, that part is true.

25 January 2004 "Year of the Ass Kicking Monkey"

I am so relaxed I am glowing (I'll tell you why in a minute). I just finished the hardest month of my life. I have been applying to grad schools, taking standardized tests, one I found out (the GRE) was not even required for the program that I'm applying for so I studied all that stupid Algebra and Geometry for my own fucking personal enrichment! I just back from travelling to New York to interveiw with the NYC teaching fellows program, going to LA to interveiw with UCLA and check out UC Irvine where I'm applying for an MFA. I feel so much more ready to go to grad school and in this last year I feel like I really had to put to the test what it is that I want to be and what I think I am. After all of this jetting around to check out places I decided that my first choice is UC Irvine, because they pay for your tuition, give you a studio and a TA ship that pays enough for you to live ($700-1200/month). perfect. Plus Southern California is 60 degrees in the winter, 6 hours away from the bay area and my loving nephew. Either way it's LA. New York Teaching Fellows has a shitty philosophy about teaching and they expect you to join along and not quit when they don't support you in a nightmare teaching situation. Fuck that. I am totally excited about getting an MFA because I would finally be back at a UC school with excellent theoretical resources and professors to talk to and geek out with AND it would be socially acceptable if not mandated to be working on your work all day for 3 years! And I can take advantage of all the university grants that they have for projects and publications and all that. It all depends on who accepts me. I dont' have the same confidence as before because i was rejected from all those schools that I applied to. My statement is so much better this year though. My work is the same, but the statement of last year totally sucked. I have been feeling really good lately. Like the kind of feeling good I felt after I got back from Burningman in 2001. Six months of happiness. I don't really remember what interrupted that. It doesn't matter. I feel like the future is clear and plannable. This is a big change from the pessimism I was feeling in October. I want to get a Masters of Ed and an MFA. I want to teach both high school English and College Art and Women's studies classes. The bullshit standardized English teacher test called the CSET was a 5 hour hellhole full of Shakespeare and Edgar Allen Poe and linguistics and grammar questions. I have been studying in various college libraries in NY, LA and here (since I've been travellng so much) I felt pretty prepared for it in the end. (Yesterday 7pm.) Most teachers usually fail at least 2 out of 4 of the tests. So we'll see. We'll see if I even get accepted to UCI. I really can't say. That's why I'm tending to plan A and plan B with equal care and attention. I will not be living at home for longer if my new stripping company takes off.

2001, 2002 and 2003 were supoosed to be known as the cycle of fire years, according to my Chinese astrology sources (3 four foot tall men, one the quintesential one eyed kung fu master, all with long, wise hair growing out of their moles...) The elements are based on the 5 elements of earth, air, fire, water and wood. Fire has to do with job related elements. 2004, the year of the monkey is the end of the cycle of fire years and so is supposed to be a turning point year if you're element is metal. I thought last year was supposed to be the turning point year. But when I think about the relationship that I've had to my stripping career over the last 3 years, maybe this is the turning point year after all. I've actually come to terms with how good it has been for me and also how it works out in my life. And hey, my element just happens to be metal! Woohooo! My goal is to make a lot of money this summer. I am so tired of being poor.

One year later, I also have my 3 strip club/labor commision hearings on February 11th. It is scary as hell but I feel glad that it's finally coming to a head. I've been telling all these other dancers about what I'm doing and gaining some solidarity from the sex worker movement, my new friend Carol Leigh (aka Scarlot Harlot) and just seeing sex work in more of a utilitarian way. Instead of in a defeated victim way.

I am also glowing because i just had the best sex last night! i feel like i was blind person and now I can see suddenly! this boy was only 20 years old. kissing him was like eating a heaven sandwich. trumpets. yes lord. i heard them. and wow. i just found out that size does matter! you don't really think it does until you experience the difference! I have such a weakness for Abercombie older teen swimmer/tennis body boys. Especially when they have a tough bad boy inside and can play your daddy and smack you around in bed. Sadly, my dream boy was just passing through. He is part of a lighting crew for rock bands and tours the US and Canada. But he lives in LA! (Is a 6 hour commute for a booty call extreme?)

my sex and relationship life has been a pathetic joke, serving only as an impetus for laughter and writing about it's how hilarious/pathetic it has been. Let's just say if I made a crossword puzzle to describe it, the words TACO BELL DINNER, MOTEL 6 and 2 MINUTE BROTHER would be in the word bank. I feel like my sexuality has been freed up more lately. I have a new attitude about sex work (i.e other sex workers who do more like prostitutes, sex workers who like their jobs, and myself and my position in the industry). I feel like i've been so uptight about everything and everyone. Ever since I wanted out 3 years ago, and couldn't make the transition as easy as I thought I should have been able to I've felt trapped and angry within it. I managed to have some fun and make great art but I was still feeling resentment and pain inside. I referred to myself as a "caged bird singing." And now, thank god, I'm starting to really like my job. I can hear the power in Lil Kim music again! (Sex worker anthems, really they are.) I especially like the fact that I run my own businesses. I love it. I was not trapped by anyone but myself. And now, I've finally chosen to make myself free.

I finally have the answers to those dumb questions I've been asked constantly for the last 3 years or more...And the answers are...(drumroll):

The reason I'm "so smart" and I'm still a [dumb] stripper is because I realized I'm too dedicated to my art work and my freedom to work for other people for too long. Running your own business is the only way to go and not be exploited by other employers. I like to combine stripping with photography and teaching. and working on and off for other people. If I could only make more money and not worry so much. that's where the new stirpping business and advertising my photography in the yellow pages comes in.

And the reason why I don't have a boyfriend, (and I was asked this last night by the boy too) is because no one worth my time has come along. And I can say it with conviction! If they can't kiss, If I roll my eyes when they call, then I can't be bothered. if I wanted to make the time, I would. But I don't. If I'm more content working on my website alone than having sex with them, then I'm not doing it. And neither do the people who don't want to make time for me. It rolls both ways. Until you meet the person that makes you drop everything and fall in loooooove. I'm ready for that. I'm ready for more heaven sandwiches. Bring them to me O Lord. Bring them to me please!

28 December 2003

Ho. Ho. Ho. That's me. I wanted to blog again on a more positive note because I've made some great realizations that I would like to share with you, and just in time for the end of the year! How do you like my Kobe Bryant story? Is it all just a dream? The straight world so badly needs a Magic Johnson to say, "Look man, we need to really look at this issue." So I wrote the blurb as if he was already guilty. I don't believe I know what really happened just yet. But I do know how society and the SAVE KOBE public are painting the picture and it suprises me very little.

Let me just say that I am having great holidays so far. I hustled some cash just in time for the holidays as well as miraculously landed a temp job at a construction company indefinitely if I wanted. (Isn't that what I always wanted?? A full time automaton, 9-5, 40 hours a week??) And guess what?? I make more money subbing and tutoring afterschool so I'm going to go back to subbing, because I realized that I love teaching in any capacity but guess what else?

I've decided to reclaim my sex worker identity with pride. I know, I already said that in the previous blog and for those of you who have been following my tortured transition you would probably feel sorry for me or something. But this Christmas season, this December once again I tried to survive without stripping, hoped that some resume would get a call in and that I would never have to lapdance another fool again! November marked the official end of the outcall business that I was previously running for the last year. Well, actually my expensive yellow pages contract expired and that was how I determined the end. But really it is only going to be the beginning.

Read the SF Bay guardian article by Ann Harrison to catch up on some of your exotic dancer rights issues. She interviewed me for this piece but edited my short quotes out.

I tried out one club in San Jose and I didn't wear a wig to cover my short hair. I got on stage as if no time had passed at all. Because really it hadn't. I am SO USED TO THIS ROUTINE. The DJ told me that my look, my hair, my tattoos were "too extreme." I've heard this before too. I have been turned away from clubs even when I had a conventional long hair look so who knows what it was that turned them off that day. I actually talked to all the other girls in the dressing room,they seemed nice, all of them were white and one of them was reading Michael Moore's book "Dude where's my country?" so working with women who had some critical thought seemed somewhat hopeful. This club did pay minimum wage, required the usual ILLEGAL 50% of all your private dances, and they have a shower where you are supposed to charge the customer $50 for 10 minutes and the CLUB GETS $30 of it! That's more than the dancer doing the showering! And if that wasn't the most insane thing, there was also a mandatory $25-50 TIP OUT AT THE END OF EACH SHIFT ON TOP OF THE CLUB CUT OF ALL MY DANCES. Why I do I even try to return, personal amusement? I know what the deal will be even before I sign up for it. The club's rejection did not phase me one bit. I drove on to a different club and didn't get to audition there. They were a bikini/no touching bar but the manager looked at me and said they weren't hiring. He wans't rude and I can't be sure it was because of how I looked, but either way I wasnt' given the opportunity to hate it.

One night after I decided that I would return to the clubs, I went to a karaoke bar with my Marilyn outfit in the rolling suitcase and convinced the manager to let me have the stage for a costumed Marilyn set. He gave me $20 up front and I hustled the rest. One guy tipped me $100 just to hang out with him and his customers/friends. So I walked out with $150 just doing the asianprincess thing that I do best. I was so close to not having anything for our family gift exchange. But the angels shined their skillz on me. And they were dressed like Lil' Kim! It was important to me because I haven't bought anyone anything for the birthday AND it was to be the first Christmas with my mom and dad in the same celebration since their divorce in 1988. It is at times like these when I need to make money to survive that I can and will survive using my art, my body or any way that I know how and that is what brings me to where I am at right now.

SEX INDUSTRY SURVIVOR AND REAL ART SOLDIER

17 December 2003

HO! HO! HO! I have no fucking money, so I might have to go back to bein' a HO! HO! HO! Tried everything I could to get away from all the HO! HO! HO! but all it did was make me show up in a suit on someone else's clock and make me their corporate HO! HO! HO! Ask the elves at the mall, ask the used car salesman, ask the waitress servin grits, you don't even need a g string and high heels to be a good HO! HO! HO!

I can't even believe it's already the so called Christmas season. I have managed to not notice, really. Last weekend, in honor of the Christmas season, my friends and I all ate a bunch of psyllosillibin and went to the mall of all places in the height of the season madness and had a contest to see how many digits each of us could get in the food court. I lost coincidentally. It was "the ultimate bored high school kids experience" (even though I didn't do drugs in high school) but no better place than the mall at Christmas time to make me realize that i have absolutely no money to buy anyone anything.

Yes, folks, I am considering going back to stripping at a club again. My outcall service was successful. It was a great business experience. I ran my own show and I kept ALL of my profits. Stripclubs mean pimp managers and tall their mandatory tipping and stage fees and mind games. But I like the fact that I can go to a place of work and LEAVE a place of work. And I made a lot more money at the clubs. The last time I attempted to go back to the stripclub scene was exactly a year ago, and that was the worst experience ever, due to the worst pimps in the industry Bijou LLC that owns Boys Toys, Hustler, Centerfolds and the like. They are the McDonalds of the strip club world. I have become involved with the sex worker activist scene, and have sat in on a couple of events run by SWOP-USA (Sex Worker Outreach Project). Tonight is the candlelight vigil for the Green River Killer. (Gary Leon Ridgeway is the serial murderer of 48 prostitutes who was recented caught and convicted. He chose sex workers as victims because "he could kill as many of them as he wanted without getting caught.") I am learning a lot about the prostitution decriminilization initiative that is being spearheaded by all of the people who made the medical mariujuana decrim law pass successfully. But there was a lot of money behind that one. And that's what it takes to make political changes, in that arena of political changes that is. Ask the terminator. He knows. Through my activism in SWOP I hope to learn about how laws and legislation work to help or harm progressive marginalized ballots such as marijuana and prostitution. It is through this knowledge that I may find enough motivation to get the Exotic Dancer's Alliance which was started by Dawn Passar and Johanna Bryer up and running again to move forward and actually unionize all the strip clubs in San Francisco. The EDA as far as I know is virtually inactive and has segued into the successful sex worker clinic St. James Infirmary. There is a new fuel to my fire these days, after hanging out and reacquainting with all the powerful sex worker activists. It is through these women that I am able to feel okay again about what I have had to do to survive and pay my bills and fund my plans for the future without shame.

I am applying to the New York City teaching fellows program amongst 7 other graduate schools for either a teaching credential or an MFA. I want to teach high school English/Social Justice or college courses ("Sex Work Art, or Asian American Women Artists). IS IT ONLY A DREAM? It seems so far away. So I have to fly out to NYC to interview for the fellowship which was the impetus for me to start thinking realistically about how I was going to fund some of the things that I need to do in the immediate future.

The one thing that I am extremely happy about is this website. It has come such a long way. My BLOG record is a record of its and my evolution. I just learned how to do basic action scripts with FLASH so now my banner is clickable! I high fived myself when I figured that one out. All of my web design is self taught, and those of you who have seen this site from it's early days have been a witness to it's many stages of growth.

Ridgeway escaped the death penalty with a plea bargain to tell the police where the bodies were buried. I don't believe in the death penalty, but the penetentaries aren't great either. Ridgeway just plea bargained his way to a life sentence in a maximum securit hell hole where he may be assaulted physically and/or sexually repeatedly or killed without authorities even caring. I guess I should be happy about that, but I'm not. It's all just very sad. I researched Kobe Bryant, R. Kelly and little bit on Michael Jackson for a teen sexuality retreat last weekend. In all 3 cases the overwhelming belief it seemed was that the victim/surivor was trying to run an EXTORTION SCAM against all of these famous people. It just goes to show me that we are not ready to talk about sexual assault or violence in a way that centers on the survivor's needs. In the Kobe Bryant case, there are all these websites devoted to "saving Kobe." A man is convicted for trying to kill the woman who is accusing the basketball star. And people think that she is doing this for money? That is the most fucking absurd fucking piece of bullshit. And they're trying to say that she is not mentally credible because she overdosed 3 months ago or because she was seuxally promiscuous. IT'S ALL SUCH BULLSHIT. I'm not saying Kobe did it. I don't know. No one will ever know what went on that night but them. But I'm saying that if he is convicted that he should donate $1 million or more to rape trauma services in Colorado. And maybe to further my social change fantasy he would donate money for rape trauma services for incarcerated survivors too! Wouldn't that be the plea bargain of the century?

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. HO. HO. HO.

16 November 2003

Guess what! I have ALREADY BEEN CANNED FROM MY FIRST CAR SALES JOB! That's right ladies and gentlemen, in less than 11 days I've already been shown the door out of the dealership! I spent the first 5 days studying cars and makes and models and then I spent the next SIX DAYS on the floor. I wasn't able to sell a car in these 6 days (there wasn't much traffic believe me, i was there for 12 hours everyday, 6 days a week in this previous week that I just finished. What's the difference between stripping and selling a car? As I predicted, they have A LOT IN COMMON. Job security is a joke here, you can jump around from dealership to dealership anywhere in the country or state, you stand around all day and wait until a customer comes so you can pounce on the money in their wallet and make it your own, and you can be hired and fired without unemployment insurance at any given moment. the hours were the longest that I have ever endured for another company. I have stripped a 60 hour work week once, when I was a feature dancer at the Crazy Horse, but that ended up paying me more than adequately for the amount of time that I was there. I suppose it would be the same if I had sold a car. But I just couldn't get it down pat in only 6 days. the difference between stripping for me was that I was able to make money stripping from the first day I did it and it only got better and better as the first years went on. Selling cars has been a lot harder. You're asking someone to spend $20-30,000 instead of $200. At this particular dealerhsip,there wasn't a lot of traffic for me to practice on and the new hours and all the standing around was difficult to adjust to. I found out there were other stoners who had also cheated on their drug test that worked there and I bonded with them in the last days that I was there, taking my first "employee meeting/smoking break" in the parking lot of the liquor sto the day before I was fired. It was definitely not as bad as I thought working so much was going to be. I didn't think that it would be over so soon, but I've had this exact same thing happen to me before while I was a selling fine art at this gallery at Pier 39. They only gave me one week. So now that I have my sales license and some experience i can go to other dealerships and become their next disposable employee of the month. I am going to take a break and work on my art work which is what I would do instead of work for someone else anyway. But the things we do to survive...I am trying to stay true to my goal of not going back to stripping with my new haircut. I am going to try to stay strong. I am going to wait for a couple of weeks and then apply at some other dealership somewhere in the next city. Hopefully they will only have us working 5 days a week instead of this slavery 6 day shit. I'm not sure if I was fired because I wasn't able to sell a car in 6 days, or if I was fired because their little background check told them that I was a sex worker. Either is possible, although I don't understand the thinking of someone who would do that. The Persian manager that fired me called me 2 days later and asked me to go on a ski trip with him in Tahoe (with 25 other friends too of course, not from the dealership). I flat out laughed in his face, and then called all my ex co-workers so we could laugh at him too. Do you see why I get so pissed off when people say "you are so bright and intelligent you could do anything that you want to do? you don't have to strip if you don't want to?? Do you see that? Making a living in this country is a fucking bitch. Sometimes i don't know what to do but I keep trying to do whatever I can.

OCTOBER 8, 2003 I have just hurdled like a champion over two major performance art obstacles! I created and performed 2 brand new characters in 2 weeks. Both were amazingly different artistic directions for me and a huge triumph of challenges overcome. I am so happy that I got through this extremely stressful month! My first deviance from the usual asianprincess routine was to collaborate with my friends Allyn Nobles and Kristina Wong to make a "co-ed Asian sisterhood called KeroKeroPi" of which I was the drunken, very drunken jackass/animal house social chair. I'm going to call myself CRA.Z.N. which was the name originally created by sister Phillip but he dropped out so I'm sure he won't mind. Instead of being a typical asian sorority sister like you may have seen on your college campus I wanted to explore the MTV fraternity life/jackass phenomenon that has plagued me throughout my life. You see, I HATE FRAT BOYS. I hate greek anything. I hate asian greeks. I hate the idea of organized sisterhood asian, white, whatever. It's all sick to me. So, I got really really drunk, painted my face green like the little Sanrio frog and broke a bunch of ramen on my head repeatedly, while riding my new rushes around in a shopping cart after I made them do push ups against me and do a shot with a whipped cream chaser. "Fuckin' A' Duuuude!" It was SO MUCH FUN!! APATURE, the showcase of Asian american artists that I have been involved with for 3 years is just as amazing as ever. I always meet so many great people there. I feel totally in my community while I am there and it is really great to live in San Francisco for me on that day. It was also great because anyone who knows anything about my usual performance expects me to be really femme, sexy fake porn star something but I was the total opposite that day!

I have just returned home from performing in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the P Power Performance Project at Patrick's Cabaret. A group of women from New York, San Fran, Minneapolis and Philly got together and did a superpower female cabaret. The whole show was a total bonding experience between all of the women involved. And Minneapolis, I am happy to report is filled with pleasant suprises like cute queer girls everywhere, vegetarian cafes and liberal anti-war politics. I was hosted by a wonderful woman and the locals opened their homes to us, where we would often make a big bonfire in the backyard and just hang out smokin' after our shows. I couldn't ask for anything more. Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes, so every 3 blocks it seems thta there is a big natural lake that people swim in in the summer and play hockey (what's that?) on in the winter. Claes Oldenburg's famous Spoonbridge and Cherry sculpture is the big piece in the middle of a sculpture garden that has large scale interactive installations that reminds me a lot like being on the playa at Burningman. It was great to actually see the spoonbridge because i had talked about it a lot while teaching art to kids and finally seeing it was pretty amazing. there is a fountain that spouts out of the stem of the cherry and it is well lit even at night. The other performers in our cabaret were also amazing and it was exactly the inspiration and charge that I needed to keep going on with my work. THINGS CAN GET SO HARD SOMETIMES and it sometimes becomes hard to keep pushing forward when you have so little money and no gas in the car that you just rear ended someone with...

P Power was the debut of my new character that has been in development for almost a year. I bought a ukelele and a songbook last year and swore that I would learn it so that Spamela could come to life. It sat on my shelf for almost a year and then finally made the goal to unleash the Hawaiian asianprincess in Minneapolis. I worked very intensely, dedicating all my time to learning how to strum and sing and pronounce some Hawaiian words before I left. While I was there I used 2 full days to research and read about the politics of annexation, sovereignty issues and U.S imperialism, tourism and capitalism and it's effects on Hawaii. It was exhausting. I didn't think I was going to be able to pull it off. but lo and behold I did! Spamela is the female essence of Hawaii, the prostitute of a lost culture, lost in tourism, lost in prostituting it's own culture and beauty for survival in an American system it didn't really ask for in the first place. Much of her voice comes from Huanani Kay Trask's book From a Native Daughter. But I have reformulated my own angle into the politics because I am not native hawaiian or even a real local. I spent 6 months/one semester at University of Hawaii and I have only lived and seen Hawaii through a limited experience. But, truthfully things move very slowly there and don't seem to change that much each time I go back so I don't feel like I am talking out of a haole ass perspective. Spamela is the first Asian Pacific Islander activist in my series who is overtly speaking of API issues. Dr. Trask would probably have a problem with my work, because she doesn't seem to have a political alignment with other API's or people of color. It's very Hawaiian only thinking which I respect but had to reformulate to fit my needs like spam in a thanksgiving dinner. I feel like it's similar to my doing a piece on Japanese internment. My mom is from Japan and was not part of the J.A internment experience. (She actually loves America and thinks Bush is a good man) But we would have been if she had come to the states before the war so even though the internment generation is not truly my kin, they are still MY PEOPLE. So like the tragedy of indigenous Hawaiians AND cheap Asian labor that was imported to slave on the sugar fields, those be my people and their struggle be my struggle too.

It's my first combination of burlesque, blatant politics and singing. I've been trying to be more political within my character work and i think that Spamela definitely accomplishes that task. I used to just ride a rocking horse and sing and expect everyone to just get where i was coming from. This show was well received and I got a lot of good feedback about it. Hopefully you will get to see it soon. it is ironic and funny and informative and the story it reveals is all true.

 September 7, 2003

How the hell did it get to be September already?? I've returned from my annual trip to Burningman for the 4th time. Check out my album here! it wasn't a life changing epiphany like it usually is. It was more of an escape and a party for me this year than in the past. I went there this year to try to come back with some answers after some deep thoughts inthe desert, but it didn't end up happening that way. My $300 scooter was lifted after I left it unattended for what I thought would be a safe hour alone. I camped with some of my best friends Kristina Wong and Lisa and Abigail and we all survived and co-survived with ease and grace. Burningman this year was the least impressive art-wise than I had seen in past years. I know that last year someone stole some of the art work from the Lilypads one of my favorite pieces on the playa, and perhaps that discourarged other artists from bringing their work out. I too brought less artwork out, leaving Pamela and the rest of my stage show at home. Last year burningman cost me nearly $1200 and this year, had my scooter not been stolen I think I may have only spent $500, thanks to the BM org letting me work in exchange for a ticket this year! I was fearing the fact that running into too many exboyfriends would ruin my time there, but it was actually quite good to see them, especially because our crossing paths was not planned. It was nothing dramatic, very brief, included smiles and hugs and then moving on. Last year, I fell infaturated with a gender queer fantasy named Chris, a mechanic from Sacramento that delivered me a pizza on the playa in fairy wings and pink hotpants and came to my Marilyn show one morning at the Acid Cabaret. I used to think that all the straight men at Burningman were gender queer and therefore ideal b/c they somehow understood oppression by being freaks of nature. But everyone dresses up for different reasons, and has different politics and I learned that "you can't judge a man by his fairy wings and hot pants." Our relationship fizzled to a nothing after 2 months post burn and I was back to my lonesome single again. There were a lot more Asians and people of color this year than ever before! I even saw a group of them dressed like bumble bees riding their bikes past me as I scootered down the street! there was also a big "Baliwood" camp on the esplanade, celebrating Indian cinema. I would stretch to say that Burningman has successfully reached to the mainstream even more this year and therefore has become less white than it has been in past years. It's come a long way from the time I wrote my Asianweek article asking why there weren't more Asians on the playa that's for sure. The event has become more non-creatively sexual in my opinion. Maybe it was always there, or maybe since I'm a little more jaded, I'm noticing it more. I used to see Black Rock city as the ideal place for me to feel safe and free and now it seems more like San Francisco. Some elements and straight men there have a strong "MTV spring break" vibe about them as they latch by my side and ask me if I wouldn't want to go "find some drugs" with them. I felt more eyes on my breasts and even over heard a bunch of lame comments about me while I was within earshot. but it is still better than the real world and more liberating sexually than anywhere else I have ever been, even if my interest is not to neccesarily have sex or "get laid" there even if I am dressed like an asianprincess. It is the only town where I can walk around without a shirt every single day. Walking around without a shirt for me, equates me to the priviledge of men who do the same thing on hot days and it is not a sexual advance from me to anyone, even though often mistaken as such by most. It's just about being free and equal and safe. Strangely enough, you will never find me walking around naked there or anywhere else because I feel that exposing my genitals/sex organs IS harder to argue as not a sexual advance. It's very strange to some, my boundaries. I don't consider myself an exhibitionist and public sex actually freaks me out because i don't want other people to be getting off on me without my consent. I consider myself an "expressionist." I don't get off on doing deviant activities in public, because i usually don't think that they are deviant. I'm just expressing myself to the standards that I believe should be normal or for others to enjoy my sensual creativity without assuming I want or need anything else from anyone.

I was bummed about the amount of hetero attention I was getting, because it was the only attention that I got! I saw loads of gorgeous dream girls there as usual but I didn't approach any of them and they did not approach me. I have entertained the idea of joining Friendster as per the invitation of my friends to be with women again. I don't want to shave my head and look more like a dyke just to get girls but I'm certainly aching for girly attention these days. Burningman was different this year. I have grown a lot in the 4 years since I started traveling out to the desert and I realize that that is a good thing. There are many things that were once so much an integrated part of my life (afternoons at the Endup, partying at fag clubs like Universe, even gay pride and dyke march) that have taken on different more subdued enjoyment but sentimental places in my life. Something always comes along that rocks my world to the fuller and better, but its sometimes sad to see yourself change before your eyes while you are in the midst of it.

I am going to Minneapolis to perform in the P Performance Project by invitation and I am trying to write a new piece for it. I haven't started that process yet, and I suppose that I should. I am hoping to learn a few songs on the ukelele and debut my Hawaiian imperialism singing brainchild "Spamela Anderson Leilani Lee" but I'm not sure if that's going to be happen as scheduled. I always come back from the Burn broke, and that is consistent this year. But the school year has begun and I am probably going to be teaching somewhere pretty soon. I have not yet received trial dates for my strip club cases which is a little disheartening because i started this process in March of this year.

 18 August 2003

I have settled into my mom's house in Union City, CA. it's extremely humbling to go from a 1,200 square foot loft in Portrero Hill to a suburban family environment 45 minutes away from everything I used to know. I spent the summer teaching full time as an English instuctor for Upward Bound at the University of SAn Francisco. The title of my course was "anti-oppressive language arts" and I introduced all my high school students to all the vocab words that end in 'ism.' We talked about Michael Moore, homophobia, deconstructed Talib Kweli and 50 cent. Talks about racism were easier than talks about homophobia and sexism. High school has an air of homophobia and peer disrespect as a manner of standard communication but I have to say that I think that both my students and i learned a ton from each other. I taught them about 'drag queens, drag kings, faux queens and even drag princesses like me." I tried to do it all in 5 weeks, but it was hard. I need a full time, all year round position. This was the best job that i have ever had. Full time teaching opportunity, decent pay and a lot of great kids. I did not get into any of the MFA graduate programs that I applied to so my dreams of being a professor at a university are postponed for now. it's probably all the better because i am living at home because I have accumulated a high debt (high to my standards) and am having trouble paying my bills and living outside of the sex industry. I'm thinking of writng a book and then trying to apply for academic M.A programs, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to commit 7 years of my life to a phD.

Poets against Rape was a huge success. My work with SFWAR was a long learning process. Working at non profits seems to be a little to dramatic for me. Every damn decision need to be approved by a committee. The event was amazing though. There were a ton of amazing poets that I got to meet and work with and 4 months of hard work all paid off. I was so glad that unlike most of my one woman production hells, this event was co-produced by a committee of other members. I actually got a contract doing their graphic design work, which was healing in itself. I performed my new piece, "We Sleep in Peace and Heal Each other." This piece is about my own healing process from my own assaults as well as my own transition from hating men and blaming them to acknowledging that men are survivors and MUST BE PART OF THE SOLUTION. I have performed this piece in public several times now, and survivors male and female come up to me and say,"Thank you for surviving. It happened to me too." And it is that survivor to suvivor bond that is worth so much to me. I have come along way from my initial wounds and most people who have the guts to approach me after I speak, have also come a long way from their wounds and to acknowledge that yes, this shit happens, and yes we DO SURVIVE is themost powerful thing in the world.

And now it is August and i am just spending this time decompressing from working full time and commuting from UnionCity eveyday and adjusting to living at home again. Union City is not where i grew up, but it is where my mother and my sister and baby nephew now live. It is a new Asian suburb, which is much bigger than the South San Franicsco suburb that i grew up, but it has a diverse middle/upper middle class API population and I have already registered to substitute teach here in the fall.

I was not able to do much else but teach during the time that I was working for Upward Bound. And that is the drawback to working full time for someone else. Asianprincess artifacts and all my performances ARE my full time job, but unfortunately either starving or surviving takes precendence and I find that working full time in stints is the way to go.

I am off to Burningman next week. I was very skeptical about it, and still am. This event used to be my LIFE. And now, I fear that I have become jaded about it. I am wondering if this experiment in transience is just a security for people who can not commit to anything real. the friends and lovers that you meet on the playa don't last, and after people shower and remove their costumes you find that they are just "normal." I have sought out my soul mate in Black Rock City and come up empty and perhaps that was the problem. This year will be my fourth year and I am hoping that it doesn't become an old tired high like the ecstasy pills that i no longer take that once were so amazing and life changing now just make me hot and sweaty, irritated and depressed for days afterwards. But Asianprincess WAS BORN at Burningman. it was there, on my little home made stage that i became the performer that I am now, that my creative soul was unleashed in a real life changing way and that I found a community of amazing artists that blew my mind not just once but several times in a week.

My fears about Burningman is that as the event gets bigger and more people start to go, the idea of it being an ideal artist space changes. There are more idiots there and it becomes more like 1015 Folsom or some other idiotic venue with idiotic people thinking they can fuck you because they offer you a drink.

Burningman has always been the ideal healing space for me when I have run out of direction. It is an extremely spiritual experience to be out there with the open space, amazing sunsets and mountains. I went there for the first time after a boyfriend crashed my car, I missed the burn because I dehydrated from an abuse of bad drugs and I STILL managed had a great time. I have always looked to the desert for answers and a new direction and I have always come back renewed with a sense of determination and my artistic soul reborn. And so as I deal with my debt and fall from stripper death, I depart again with a wounded but open heart.

1 May 2003

The war is "over." Or say they say. I think the perfect opiate for the people would be to make gas prices drop to about $1.00/gallon.

I am moving out of my loft at the end of this month, after my 27th birthday, exactly 2 years after I cashed in my entire mutual fund to pursue the dream of being a famous photographer with a fancy studio. So I didn't quite make it to the David LaChapelle (dayrate of $100,000) level. My astronomical rent and roomate problems caused me to have to literally strip on a treadmill to pay rents which were almost 75% of my monthly income, IF I was lucky (and I was making 4x more than I am now.) I have come to terms with the transition which has been impending for me since my official "retirement" from the strip club industry. I have accomplished a lot. I have performed and exhibited here. I have had full scale fashion shoots, and made work to fill the 15ft ceilings and to hang above the gas fireplace. I have lived the dream. And I have nothing to be sad about.

This month is crazy busy, I am performing all over the place and have a big show to hang at Studio Z. I usually don't like nightclub art shows but this one seems very cool. The last opening that they had almost 5-600 people.

My entire birthday month is always a very big deal for me. I try to celebrate it fully every year. This is often marked by making rash transitions like moving into a loft that was $2400/month. (Shhh! The rent is much lower now, and I have a roomate to split it with, but I still can't cut it) So, now I am packing my rocking horses and riding my broke ass to Union City,where my mom and my sister live, home of Krispy Kremes and the amazing 40 theatre movie complex .

Then after the summer, if I make it through an entire summer living with my mom again, I shall decide if I am going to go to grad school or just move to LA anyway perhaps to go to Long Beach state and start a teaching credential program. I'm not sure which route to take, the big $60,000 debt route, the state college route, the art trade school route...Many of my friends are discouraging me from doing an expensive MFA.

My first big preliminary court date in my case against ALL 3 STRIP CLUBS that I previously worked at falls on my birthday, May 29th. Talk about cosmic timing. I am totally scared and then I am not scared at all. I am so much stronger after begining my training at SFWAR, and something like this comes at no better time for me. It took me nearly ONE YEAR to actually file all my claims, and then the court date is settled one month after you turn your paper work in. Everything takes a long time. In my cases, i have filed for reimbursement of ALL ILLEGAL STAGE FEES CHARGED from 3 different clubs n the city. Filing a claim against all my former stripclubs is yet another attempt for me to close another door on my stripping career. Filing claims against these clubs pretty much black balls me from working as a stripper in this city again.

This stupid fucking industry has been a part of my life for 2 years too long. I could write a damn book on it. And I'm about to. I am going to attempt to explain how oppressed I feel when it comes to the sex industry in my "exit wounds" section of the writing. It has been a long journey and is not over. this process is like getting out of an abusive relationship. The sex industry has had me on an emotional rollercoaster directly related to self worth and income ever since I have wanted out, 2 years ago. Many women in the sex industry feel extremely liberated and empowered with their jobs because of the economic oppression we face as women in society as a whole, but too many of us, mainly those of us working in the stripclub industry are oppressed AGAIN by our so called employers (aka pimps) who DEMAND a mandatory percentage of our tips in exchange for providing a place of employment.

I have been training to be a volunteer at San Francisco Women Against Rape (SFWAR) and their platform is all about anti-oppression frameworks for sexual assault prevention. We watch documentarys on women in prison and on economic human rights violations and workshops ways to discuss sexual assault. I LOVE IT. But aside from that I AM TOTALLY FIRED UP as an activist again. Since the midst of the war, something has awakened within me to LET ALL MY POLITICS out of the closet because there is a lot of work to be done.

I am writing new poetry pieces for the SFWAR "Poets against Rape" event, that will happen on June 6th. I will perform a piece on KPFA's Asian American show APEX to plug the event. I am excited about my new commitment to start perforing as "gmh asianprincess" which is essentially myself out of character, spoken word and soul from heart of a survivor. I want people to think of the asianprincess and then automatically associate me as an activist for gender politics. I think that I felt that I needed to have a gimmick or ride a rocking horse to get people's attention, although I have not left behind my gimmicks!

Meanwhile, i have been slaving away on this website. I am really proud of what it has become. i feel like I'm raising Frankenstein's bride or something. The site that you see now has taken over a year, and five stupid ass flacky cocky web designer fuckheads and then back to me to slave away on it ten hours a day to get to where it is now. I feel like I am writing a book and to see it finally come together is a beautiful thing. And I found out that smaller fonts are cooler than bigger ones.

01 February 2003

Happy New Year of the Ram! ChineseAstrology online.com says that 2001 (snake), 2002 (horse) and 2003 are the cycle of fire years. The sheep is the ending year of the cycle. The year of the sheep will carry the old business from the Horse year, then face the new business from the Earth element. In the end period of Sheep year is the precursor of the next metal Cycle. So, they say, 2003 is mean to be the "turning point" year. In 2001, I ended a really awful dysfuncitonal relationship and realized that I did not want to strip anymore. It took another year in the clubs, simultaneously running my photography business and teaching before I was actually able to make a final retirement date and quit (Jan 2002.) The rest of 2002 was a serious finnancial downturn. I gained and lost 5 different "real world" jobs (busgirl, waitress, food-runner, gallery sales, and teaching at risk youth) and reduced my income by nearly 60%. I discontinued my health insurance and started to live like I was in college again! (Goodbye disposable income! Hello Noodle Soup!) Okay, enough of that depressing recap, let's talk about 2003! The year of the ram has certainly been a turning point year for me so far! Right before the turn of the new year I sold my first piece of fine art. It is the Janine painting that you see in my gallery section. "A letter to my imaginary girlfriend" sold for $1850 (plus delivery) and she is the sole reason that my ass is not ALREADY packed up and living back home in the stripmall suburbs with my mother. The person who purchased my Janine painting makes a living as a producer for corporate commercials and approached me with the possibility of producing a documentary. I told him about the fact that I was already doing a doc on myself and that any footage shot needed to be shared for both our uses. He agreed and flew up to San Francisco to start shooting scenes for his project which he is going to air on a late night access spot in Southern Ca, where he lives. I was allowed to art direct and conceptualize everything the asianprincess does which is the way I usually do projects that include me. I chose to shoot footage in a gun shooting range, where I documented shooting my first .22 caliber pistol at a paper target. And then I cast 3 men from Craigslist : "bachelor party extras needed for fight scene in a hotel room" and was able to hire a fight coordinator who choreographed a scene where I beat them all to the ground for trying to treat me like their bitch. It's the Barb Wire ending to the gratuitious gang rape scene in "Leaving Las Vegas." It was such an exhilirating experience! I have never gotten the chance to do anything like that before. The whole scene was executed with extreme professionalism and my 3 unpaid actors deserve lots of props for being able to withstand going through the motions of getting their balls kicked by both the fight instructor Janet Gee and myself through several takes of shooting. I even kicked one of the guys in the nose for real on accident! It was funny because I kept saying,"sorry! Are you okay? I was really vague in my casting call and I even threw in a hot picture of Tyra for these guys to be lured in to an unknown fate. Afterwards, I told them they did a good deed for "mankind." and if they found themselves at a bachelor party or strip club that they would think fondly of our work together. I can't wait to see the footage. My producer and his cameraman/editor are going to edit it down on an AVID system. (Finally! I'm not paying for production costs on my own (maxed out) credit card and I'm not doing ALL the work!) Our next shoot will be with MsChinatown 2nd runner up and asianprincess is Marilyn Monroe in front of Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood pretending to be Marilyn and Jane Russell signing their handprints for "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." I am really excited about that too, it's going to be another riot. I feel like a college basketball recruit. It's all kind of too good to be true and I creep along step by step cautious of my life's tendency to all crash to shit without warning. Annie Sprinkle openly states in her book that she found a really rich guy and gave him the best blow job she knew how to produce her first porn movie. My relationship with my producer has no sex work arrangements whatsoever and this is a boundary that I am extremely conscious of maintaining. The material for my documentary and the words in my interviews help to clarify my stance on objectification and exploitation to everyone working with me. It is an undeniable feeling to have someone not only believe in your work, but invest in it as well!

21 January 2003

i failed in my attempt to stay off the pot wagon. o well. i lasted a good 2.5 months. i have been working very hard on this site, and am very proud of what it has become. I finished my performance reel which if I have my way with the Dreamweaver gods, should be up on the website today for all of you to view. This is the beginnings of my auto-documentary "Love, Lust and the asianprincess" which I have been working on for the last few years (documenting all of my performances and my transition out of the sex industry). Check it out in the performance section. This is an exciting accomplishment, as I am this much closer to being able to actually have something to submit to all of those film festivals I get calls for. On Saturday the 18th, I marched for peace with people from all different backgrounds, side by side with a bunch of straight men (or seemingly straight) men. the only other time in San Francisco, you would have seen me marching in the streets would be for Gay Pride (which has more of a party atmosphere) and Dyke March . The reason why I have chosen to get inovolved with the protest against this war is because it is very much a cause for movement amongst women and people of color fighting a sort of civil war against the powers that be, which is very exciting. I noticed mostly the men, lots of white men, and even young teengage boys marching beside me. It was interesting for me to notice a discord amongst the members who are part of group/s that I have felt were responsible for much of what is wrong in society. I'm sure I am not the only one who noticed that this war, like all other foreign and domestic policy atrocities was a bunch of white men in the white house deciding the fate of millions of oppressed people in other countries to their economic advantage at the touch of a button. The overwhelming voice of the marchers, aside from "no war" was that they wanted to dispel the evil of corporate power structures. If this many people could band together for a common cause and make a visible change for a re-shifting of global power structures then perhaps it is possible that some day, maybe in my lifetime these same people could band together to fight the gender war that I have been a soldier in and that these same men could be just as pro-active and help fight to make sure that this world could be a place where sexual assault and homophobic hate crames are not the default experience for the men and women in our society.

I have made two major decisions with the turn of the new year. One of them is that I have decided to finally pursue filing my claim against every strip club that I have ever worked for. My claim before additional penalities against the Crazy Horse club alone is $33,000. I am also pursuing smaller cases against the evil DejaVu empire which owns Boys Toys and the New Century theatre. All strip clubs in this country operate and profit on a system that is likened to unofficial reverse profit sharing program, where the strip club owners and corporations that own most of them profit off of the dancers by charging them a "stage fee" which is supposed to pay for the so called priviledge to access a venue to work. These fees range anywhere from a flat $80 (Crazy Horse) to a percentage of EVERYTHING YOU MAKE, which can be upwards of $400 for some dancers (not me). Winning these cases will be my ticket to pursue an MFA in Southern California where it once was not even a possibility. It is now a reality. $80 a day for 3 years adds up. I am making this process an editorial expose which I hope to pitch to the SF Weekly or the Bay Guardian. It will be called "Exit Wounds." Please see the writing section for more details. I have decided to pursue an MFA and move to LA for at least two years. San Francisco is and will always be my home and I love it, but I have been feeling for a while that it truly is a small city with limited growth potential as an artist who actually wants to make a living doing what she loves (and not have to take off her clothes to pay the rent). I am a commited teacher of art and ethnic studies to people of all ages and hope that when I return I will have had some big shows in Santa Monica, and have the credentials to teach at the college level.