I didn't have any self control last night. I was in need and vulnerable.
I just finished a grueling 5 hour standardized test for grad school. I was stoned when I walked in, stoned during and stoned after. It's what made me so bad.
It's what made it so good.

It made the sex so amazing even though I only had one orgasm.
Sometimes, (rarely!) It's not about the orgasm for me. That
Usually means there's more intimacy. Sigh. So rare
God I want to fuck him again and again and again. It's so rare
To meet someone like that. I was screaming so loud he had to
Stop me and make me calm down. He was being deliciously
Rough with me. It felt like I was getting fisted. It was painful,
But only in the best way possible.

The last person I felt this excited about connecting with
was Chris from Sacramento.
He was another one of my 20 year old lovers.
It wasn't that we loved each other but it was just so refreshing
To have a sensual body connection with someone. Someone
That cares about pleasing you completely and wholly.
It felt like love. Like making love. I know it wasn't. But there
Was a definite connection with both of them.
This connection is my religion.
Everything else is just getting laid. Or just having sex. Or just work.

And now this Chris like the last Chris is also only 20 years old.
He was also one of my most amazing lovers.
The first Chris, though we don't talk anymore should be about
22 these days. (Hey, maybe I should call him)
What is this addiction to "barely legal" boys about? They probably
help to bring my little girl out to play. Maybe I have some unfinished
business to take care of from my early twenties. But I know
I wasn't as good of a lover at 20 as they both were. I don't even
Think I was able to have a real consistent orgasm with another
Person until I was past 20.

I can tell Chris was immature. But he had a better job than
Most people older than him and that meant that
He would be able to pay for another nice hotel room and I would never have to Motel 6 again! More importantly he had something else that I really wanted.
So many people that are supposedly more in my league have so much less or nothing at all to offer.
But, I can tell that we didn't have too much in common aside good sex and good weed. Good enough reason for me to be hopelessly addicted. I am so ready to drive six hours to LA just to get fucked like that again.

2 days later

All right, I just got my reality check. I am so weak. I just want to be
This happy and fulfilled all the time. Is that too much to ask?
Yes. I know. I know. He was just a dumb boy on the phone.
Silly me, sprung ass. I called him. Here comes my little girl
giggling wildly right before she gets smacked across the room. Everyone laughs.
Stop her. Stop her. Stop her.

"Hey, I had a really good time the other night, that's all. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and I want to know if there's any way we can do that again."
"Oh really." He grunted, sounding stoned, cracked down and hung over.
"Do you have any ideas?" I said.
"No, " he said. "Not really." Silence.
"Welluh, okay. If you think of a way, then call me." I said punching myself in the face for calling. More silence.

"I'll talk to you then, I guess."
There were maybe 5 more sentences than this, but really not much more than that.

The end...or is it?

Gennifer M. Hirano is a 27 year old writer, artist, sex worker, teacher who is ready to jump in her car and drive to LA in pursuit of an ex trick who isn't even old enough to be in a bar.


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