Queer: universe, refuge, heaven.

performed as part of "Ask me Why" one woman show at LunaSea theatre, 2000.

an ode to "Club Universe" on Townsend street.

 "Why do you dance there anyway?"
they all ask me,
You like being pushed around by a bunch of sweaty fags all night?
But they just don't know how much I love it here...
Dancing here I find myself,
Amongst this sea of sweaty men who are
trying to lose themselves in each other:
weekend substances, sweat and xtasy.

I never thought I would ever be able to be in
a roomful of this much testosterone raw
sexual energy merging with the beat of
thumping house music, spinning, spinning
spun circles in our heads, dancing
Dancing here I find myself

Dancing here I can,
(like all the other pairs of boys around me)
freely indulge my shameless lust for the same sex
Pull myself close to the hips of a sexy woman,
rock our bodies together and groove in our own heat:
soft skin, sweet smelling neck I can enjoy devouring
her lips and her tongue freely...
Dancing here I do not have to be paranoid if some stupid ass
straight guy will think that it is for him that we are dancing
or kissing
Dancing here, I do not have to worry about
my ecstasy interrupted by the harsh thrust of a hard male
groin from behind me, perpetrating an unwanted threesome
on the dance floor
I do not have to worry about baring my teeth to defend
our bodies, our right, our moment lost
Dancing here I am somewhat safe in my lipstick world
where his hand does not crash through our peaceful
space and
TAKE what was never his to begin with.
I would think I was being paranoid too;
if it didnít happen to me on way too many occasions,
break a bottle over some assholes head, yell,
tearful explanations, kick, scream, get a bouncer, get my
friend Allyn, ìget out of here, we have to get out of here,

"Get the fuck away from me!! NO, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME MOTHERFUCKER!!

in the end you still feel so defeated, nobody seems to understand...

i can't take you anywhere,

What the hell just happened,

Where the hell did my friend go?

...What is up with that crazy psycho bitch over there?

Masculinity is the ubiquitous music, heterosexual privilege is
the venue, and I now I am afraid to dance there,
I cannot dance the dance and feel safe
after all the shit Iíve been through
but I refuse to sit at home and cry about it.
I am not going to change my game one bit,
I donít know why I ever thought that I could play by their rules anyway

So I found a place where
I can find myself alone or maybe with some pretty girl
I want to have a good time tonight
Without fear of confrontation or re-enacting violence
I found a place, a sanctuary, a refuge,
a ìuniverseî that wasnít meant to be created for me but that
I created for myself
I found a place where I can dance all night long and get lost in my own head
Where if a guy says hello he is really just being friendly,
where if someone talks to me it is without any ulterior motives,
without my stomach tightening, preparing my fake name, my rejection lines,
the lines I shouldnít even have to say:
ìno thanks,î,îIím not from here,î,îIím gayî
Sometimes it gets through fairly quickly, but too often it ruins my night
because he just doesnít ever get it.


But I am so over trying to make them get it. I just want to avoid
confrontation, conflict and drama at all costs
because it is never worth it. I have given up trying to make
people see how wrong they are. I just want to have a good time
tonight. This is what I have to think about when I leave my house to
to go out on Saturday nights.

Take me to a place where the fabulous drag queen within me can dance
until 7 in the morning, feather boas and sparkly platform blue heels.
Let me be adored by the waves of the boys around me, where a
compliment is genuine and not just to score points.
I used to sigh in relief, but now I just smile in pure happiness.
This is the way that I always wanted it.

Many years ago I walked a path of trust and openness,
but my body and my trust was robbed and raped,
I was left to fend for myself
my white frilly dress soiled and torn.
 So, I find myself here tonight and I somehow I
found a freedom in the music
and the sexual energy created by the
hundreds of men all around me
Many nights I dance here in my own space by the speaker,
feeling strong, totally content and happy.
I am not here to pursue anyone here and they are not
here to pursue me. I never thought that I could
feel this free surrounded by so much masculinity
ever again.
For so long it had been a poison to me,
a shirtless muscled man would make me roll
my eyes, look away, disinterest, distaste,

But dancing here, I can somehow appreciate
the opposite sex again.
I look around me at the faces in the sea of swaying
bodies and wonder how many of us have
similar stories to tell, similar scars to heal, similar
rage to calm..
All the dancers is this room: sweaty muscle queens,
the skinny glitter boy twirling his flags, maui fire
department shirt, shirtless hairy care bears dance
together and I wonder, how many of them have
found this ìuniverseî like me a refuge away from
the pain of being violated by the opposite sex?

How many of us dancing here have been beaten,
cursed, pushished or even destroyed for having
too much sexuality, the very thing that this community
celebrates? All the queers, freaks, fags, dykes
and drag queens dance together always on parade,
the struggle hidden behind a cowboy hat, a shaved
head, leather pants and a wife beater tank top, fake eyelashes
and/or heels.

I never thought I could ever have a good time and learn
so much from the men that dance around me,
I never thought there was such a place, where I could
be among them and just observe and interact: safely, objectively.
In this dance I find myself, shoulder to shoulder with
all those that lose themselves, everyone here has a
different dance, but somehow we dance together,
we smile because we love it to death.

I refuse to deny myself the power and freedom
behind dancing, the release, the eroticism, the
music, the energy, the mindset..
If I ever let a man dance with me from here on
it will be without fear, it will be by invitation,
it will be the way it should have been,
it is the way I only wished it could have been.