I have learned in my life that sex is a weapon.
At some unknown point, early in life I taught myself how to use
the power of sex to fight fire with fire.
I have taken the strategy of the enemy who
used HIS sex as a weapon against me to try to take
away my pride, my self love and my worth
I have taken the strategy of the enemy by taking
my sex and using it to hit back even harder

(I still feel it in me when you get me off.
I still feel it burn inside me when it is hard to
see you walk out of the door until the next
time we get to spend time in each other's arms.)

Give me the strength to take on the world.
I lay there with "him", the "him" of the week,
our sweat dripping, skin sticking together.
I lived like this for years.
I binged for it when I couldn't get it. I used
it as a replacement for love shamelessly.

(You have taught me how much joy and wonder
there is in making love and I am absolutely indebted
to you for that experience, so real it rocked through
my entire body like something holy)

But there is this undeniable force and power
in fucking someone so hard that you both
cum harder than you ever have before.
There is a contentment and a satisfaction, from the release that orgasm brings
I learned this the first time I brought myself to an orgasm at the age of 5
to the first time I had a lovers cock in my mouth and loved it.
The triumph and satisfaction of being
responsible for making someone's entire
body shake with pleasure.

 

(Make me fucking cum you worthless
Piece of shit, and if you make me cum
then anything that you do or say after
this is all over will just bounce right off
my shiny new coat of armor.
The vampire makes her kill and she shreiks with
delight as she is recharged and replenished.)

The confusion I felt after my last

SEXUAL ASSAULT INCIDENT #4 (persisting endlessly and then taking off the condom without my knowledge or consent).

How could I have been assaulted when I came so hard?

You liked it, didn't you?
You wanted it didn't you? Then why did I feel so
violated? Why did I feel so sick to my stomach
when I tried to think about what really happened?
Why did the idea of having even a tiny drop of his polluted sperm in my womb make me want to throw all my beliefs against
abortion out the door?

I endured the two hour wait. I endured the pregnancy test and the HIV test and the too loud Jerry Springer TV blaring

from the corner of the Planned Parenthood . This is how I knew it was rape.

You putting my life at stake was not supposed to be part of our one night stand.